


*god has left the chat*

by orphan_account



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: !!!!!SET FOUR YEARS AFTER THE FAILED APOCALYPSE!!!!!, Asexual Aziraphale (Good Omens), Asexual Crowley (Good Omens), Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Gabriel is a Prick, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Anathema Device, M/M, Memes, Misgendering, Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), Soft Aziraphale (Good Omens), Texting, Transphobia, a few dad jokes, a popular show set in england and not america??? i am thriving, at least they gave crowley a trial smh, because I said so, beelzebub is a gremlin, everyone who died came back to life, fuck him, get fricked real tags, god is a woman, group chat au, he only lived because hastur wanted to fuck him, hey this is pretty fucking gay, i hate gabriel with my whole chest, i love them :), im english!!! this is great!!! i wont have to pretend i know what the fuck im talking about!!!, its happening!!!1!!!, jhgasfkjgaskjfhg, ligur didnt die he was just heavily injured, natural selection babes, overuse of the word 'dear', pepper is the best i love her, representation is important!!! so almost everyone in this fic is in the lgbtq+ community, shes lesbian you guys, soft aziraphale !!!!, swearing in front of minors, tag ramble tag ramble tag ramble!!!, the angels however are tools, the demons actions were almost forgiveable, theres lots of gay, theyre also a little shit, this gives the them all the power as gen z, too many keysmashes, wait thats a tag, wensleydale cheese !!!!, who needs notes when you have tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-06-26 22:59:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19778218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: that groupchat fic nobody wanted, needed or asked for





	1. Chapter 1

lesbian hermione [anathema]

tech wizz [newton]

salt and [pepper]

cheese [wensleydale]

brain [brian]

adams apple [adam]

hiss hiss motherfucker [crowley]

emotional support bookworm [aziraphale]

lord of the flies [beelzebub]

archangel fucking gabriel [gabriel]

archangel uriel [uriel]

archangel sandalphon [sandalphon]

archangel michael [michael]

karma chameleon [ligur]

crazy frog [hastur]

tracy beaker [madame tracy]

sergeant witchfinder shadwell [shadwell]

satan [satan]

god [god]

**airbase gang**

**adams apple :** hey @salt and @brain @cheese where the FUCK did you take dog

**emotional support bookworm :** language!

**brain :** a walk to lidl, god knows he needed it

**adams apple :** pick me up some wotsits 🥺🥺🥺

**salt and :** no

**adams apple :** wow ok bitch

**lesbian hermione :** quit bickering, i have cheese puffs at home adam

**adams apple :** shut it yank, i want WOTSITS not pathetic american excuses

**tech wizz :** 😓😓

**emotional support bookworm :** stop arguing! adam, check your upper left cupboard.

**adams apple :** wOw iTs a miRaClE

**adams apple :** now i know who my real friends are smh 👊😔

**hiss hiss motherfucker :** ur too nice angel

**emotional support bookworm :** crowley, dear, please change your user.

**hiss hiss motherfucker :** no

**emotional support bookworm :** :(

**hiss hiss motherfucker _changed their name to_** **hiss hiss motherfricker**

**emotional support bookworm :** :)

**adams apple :** ew get this gay shit somewhere else im sad and lonely

**brain :** awww, crowley loooooooves aziraphale :))))

**tech wizz :** why does it have so many chins

**brain :** shh

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** how dare you disrespect me like that

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** the stench 🤮

**salt and :** shut it bin boy

**hiss hiss motherfricker _has added_ lord of the flies, archangel fucking gabriel, karma chameleon _and_ crazy frog _to the chat_**

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** clowns

**adams apple :** FJLGAGASDGHASKGHJASL JESUS???????? HELLO??????

**lord of the flies :** hmm, not quite

**lesbian hermione :** CROWLEY I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU

**tech wizz :** did you just add demons and an angel to our chat

**cheese :** they werent at the airbase!!!!

**emotional support bookworm :** now, crowley, really!

**brain :** I HAD A FUCKINGSHGFJKASH HEART ATTACK GJSHGFHSDGHSAJFH

**archangel fucking gabriel :** Oh, look, its that pathetic excuse for an angel again, how great

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

**adams apple :** SDKAJFHJKASGF

**emotional support angel :** thank you dear :)

**archangel fucking gabriel:**...

**archangel fucking gabriel _has left the chat_**

**lord of the flies _has added_ archangel fucking gabriel _to the chat_**

**archangel fucking gabriel _has left the chat_**

**lord of the flies _has added_ archangel fucking gabriel _to the chat_**

**archangel fucking gabriel _has left the chat_**

**lord of the flies _has added_ archangel fucking gabriel _to the chat_**

**archangel fucking gabriel _has left the chat_**

**lord of the flies _has added_ archangel fucking gabriel _to the chat_**

**archangel fucking gabriel _has added_ archangel uriel, archangel sandalphon _and_ archangel michael _to the chat_**

**salt and :** ew

**archangel michael :** Do not disrespect the angels, child

**salt and :** az told us about the way you treated him. act like a clown and you gon get smacked like a clown

**brian :** 👏👏

**archangel uriel :** thats quite rude

**salt and :** ok cool but so's fatshaming, verbal abuse, death sentences WITHOUT A FUCKING TRIAL, beating up a literal angel and overall clownery

**adams apple :** GO OFF QUEEN 👏👏👏👏👏

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** @karma chameleon @crazy frog stop lurking

**karma chameleon :** no

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** >:(

**karma chameleon :** YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!!!11!! 

**hiss hiss motherfucker :** yeah but i failed!!! and this was four years ago!!!

**crazy frog :** you still did it >:(

**tech wizz :** this is the bad place

**lord of the flies :** i feel the need, now theres dicks in the chat, to state my pronouns are they/them. call me she or he and i will dropkick you into the lake of fire

**brian :** thats valid i can appreciate that

**lesbian hermione :** when demons are better people than angels 🤪🤪

**archangel sandalphon :** Again thats rude

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** OH MY GODDDDD ALL ANGELS EXCEPT AZIRAPHALE SHUT THE FUCK UP YOUR OPINION IS UNWANTED

**crazy frog :** not leaving was a mistake, bye

**adams apple _has changed restrictions on all participants!_**

**crazy frog :** i cant leave

**crazy frog :** WHY CANT I LEAVE

**cheese :** because

**emotional support bookworm :** oh, i see now why anathema didn't let us add others before.

**salt and :** @karma chameleon wtf does ur user mean

**karma chameleon :** its a song by the culture club you uneducated tool now leave me alone

**tech wizz :** SGFSGJASDHFJADS YOU CANT CALL A CHILD A TOOL

**salt and :** im 15 i can handle myself

**lesbian hermione :**!!!! babey

**hiss hiss motherfucker :** ANyway @lord of the flies why is the bastard goblin child so quiet

**lord of the flies :** busy kicking the shit out of a spiderweb

**brain :** very cool

**archangel fucking gabriel :** Because HE is stupid and thinks HEs fooling us by being quiet

**emotional support bookworm :** no, because THEY are allowed to do whatever THEY want to do. you disgust me, gabriel. how can you consider yourself holy when you're so blatantly rude and disrespectful?

**archangel fucking gabriel :** Actually, I'll have you knosjhgflgjjakghhjsa;fghfjalkgfasjlkga;gdf;lKG/aga;gaerg/.g/rkthergj

**brain :** HE DEAD

**cheese :** f

**lesbian hermione :** why did so many supernatural beings just go offline

**salt and :** aziraphale, crowley, hastur and ligur are off to launch gabriel down a flight of stairs

**tech wizz :** he had it coming tbh

**brain :** we love hoes who hate eachother coming together against one common enemy 😌😌

**cheese :** hate each other??

**brain :** hastur has a grudge against crowley for almost killing his boyf, ligur has one against crowley for that too, crowley dislikes them back, az stands with crowley always

**cheese :** fair. kill gabriel!!! destroy that mf!!!!

**adams apple :** he'll only be 'discorporated' though, he'll come back :(

**lord of the flies :** huh. didnt know they cared

**lesbian hermione :** they were jumping at any excuse to beat him up, they hate the guy. also misgendering should always be punishable by death

**cheese :** ^^

**adams apple :** ^^

**salt and :** ^^

**brain :** ^^

**tech wizz :** ^^

**emotional support bookworm :** hi, we're back!

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** consider the dickhead curbstomped

**adams apple :** KJDSFHJAHFLAKSJDH

**salt and :** did anyone get it on video???

**karma chameleon :** [demonscurbstomp.mp3]

{video description : ligur's camera is being held by aziraphale, though you can't tell at first. gabriel is on the floor, with hastur, crowley and ligur kicking the shit out of him. crowley gets up behind him once his face is against the curb and smashes his foot down on the back of his head. hastur is cheering as ligur gives him a final good kick to the side. hes bleeding quite a lot and presumably unconscious when ligur comes to take his phone back. theres scattered applause from aziraphale just before the video ends.}

**lesbian hermione :** theres kids in the chat !!! although those were some solid kicks right there

**crazy frog :** consider this a warning @archangel michael @archangel uriel @archangel sandalphon

**lord of the flies :**...thanks


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to everyone who bookmarked, left kudos or commented! i haven’t replied to them yet but just know i appreciated and loved every single one! sorry this chapter is so late, i have no excuses but enjoy <333
> 
> (the area 51 meme part was written weeks ago sorry for being so late)

**airbase gang**

**hiss hiss motherfricker _has changed the chat name to_ area 51 raid**

**hiss hiss motherfucker :** who wants to go get that alien dick/pussy/ass

**emotional support bookworm :** C R O W L E Y

**adams apple :** SHDFLKJSDLA

**brain :** group trip to nebraska anyone???

**lord of the flies :** THEY CANT STOP ALL OF US

**karma chameleon :** *is immediately destroyed by advanced weaponry*

**salt and :** FREE THE ALIEN COOCHIE 20/09/2019

**tech wizz :** oh my god

**lesbian hermione :** THATS. THATS THE WHOLE POINT OF THE PROLETARIAT REVOLUTION. STRENGTH IN NUMBERS

**cheese :** we have nothing to lose but our chains and our virginity 

**crazy frog :** fuck the government, gimme them alien guns RIGHT NOW or we gon have a problem

**salt and :** on god yall be trippin

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** ON GOD???? OH EYE SEA

**hiss hiss motherfricker _has added_ god _to the chat_**

**adams apple :** KJHGSDHKGFKJASD

**cheese :** YALL WENT TOO FAR 💀💀💀

**brain :** DSFJLSOJFHDSJFLKSADHFJKLSDAHFKJDSLFSDGHFJLKEDFHKLD

**god :** crowley, why would you start something like this?

**hiss hiss motherfricker :** for the banter, your honour

**emotional support bookworm :** crowley! what have you done?

**god :** hm.

**god _has mass changed 15 user's names_**

**god _has left the chat_**

**actual antichrist :** SJHFDSAJLFHA WHAT??????

**stronk feminist :** DID GOD JUST. ROAST EVERYONE HERE???!!?!?

**princess and :** princess????????? I WILL FIGHT THE LORD WTF

**the frog :** SHF SFDJHDSAJFH SJAFHS LIGUR ITS THE FAIRYTALE!!1!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK

**stinky. fucking bitch :** oh ohhh i know whats happening

**stinky. fucking bitch :** yall wont like me much when i tell u those are ur names in my phone

**my angel 🥰🥰 :**... oh. okay!

**the witch doctor :** SHGFH FJSHKSHSDJKHFSAJD CROWLEY??????

**brianna :** CROWLEY REALLY SAID GAY RIGHTS HUH

**stronk feminist :** THE LEGEND JUMPED OUT

**my angel 🥰🥰 :** crowley, my dear, you're not a 'stinky b*tch'. i love you.

**my angel 🥰🥰 :** platonically, of course. :)

**glasses man kid :** '''PLATONIC''' MY ASS

**actual antichrist :** FHSDJLKFHKADSJFHJASKDFH

**stinky. fucking bitch :** everyone shut the fuck up

**buzzy beezy :** i will fucking end you if you dont change my name in your phone this nanosecond I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT ITS DEMEANING YOU WHORE

**the witch doctor :** HAVE YOU SEEN THE ARCHANGELS SGHDHAFKJDHFHGHDFAKJL

**the witch doctor :** @urine @socks with sandals @micky mouse @troy boltons girlfriend

**brianna :** FHDSJHKJADSHKSDLJGFDKJHAKLADGHAKSJGAF;LKD

**isaac newton :** oh my god

**stinky. fucking bitch :** @my angel 🥰🥰 SHE CHANGED SHADWELL AND MADAME TRACEYS NAMES TOO!!!1!!!

**glasses man kid :** whomst

**the witch doctor :** the other two at the airbase

**my angel _has added_ magic fingers _and_ ghostbusters _to the chat_**

**stronk feminist :** CROWLEY YOU MELT

**actual antichrist :** SGFJKSDHKJD

**stinky. fucking bitch :** in my defense i am too gay to function

**stinky**. **fucking bitch _has removed_ magic fingers _and_ ghostbusters _from the chat_**

**stinky. fucking bitch :** theyre never active anyway

**troy boltons girlfriend :** What is the meaning of this

**brianna :** SFDHGSDJFHJGHJDFSGHDFS GO AWAY BITCHBOY >:(

**urine :** Demon Crowley, I will smite you down with the force of a thousand suns

**stinky. fucking bitch :** smh thats homophobic

**my angel 🥰🥰 _has muted_ urine, socks with sandals, micky mouse _and_ troy boltons girlfriend _for half an hour_**

**isaac newton :** blessed

**stronk feminist :** i feel god in this chillis tonight

**the frog :** well that was a fucking nightmare

**princess and :** its ok babe we're all traumatized

**the witch doctor :** moral of the story dont fuck with god


End file.
